Shame and Guilt: The Result of Childhood Trauma

There has been a great deal of talk about shame and how it affects survivors of childhood trauma. Popular speakers and writers including John Bradshaw, Pete Walker, Brene Brown and Tim Fletcher continue to teach us about the devastating effect that shame has on our functioning and our feelings of well-being.

In RRP therapy, Amanda Curtin and Patrick Teahan explain how so much of shame is a result of childhood abuse, criticism and neglect. The internalized feelings of being bad, having no self-worth, of feeling apologetic for even being alive are different expressions of very deep shame. These false beliefs impact on how we function in the here and now and they are incredibly powerful and difficult to challenge. Only when we trace them back to childhood and address them in the context in which they first affected us, can we begin the healing process around our negative self-perception.

Guilt Vs. Shame:

But what about guilt? How is it different than shame? Where does it originate? Does it have positive value? We know that guilt has a positive function in relationships and helps us take responsibility for mistakes and make corrections which are a normal part of all healthy relationships. It is an emotion that is essential for healthy functioning in society and for understanding the ways we affect others. Without guilt, we run the risk of lack of compassion and feeling for others.

Healthy Guilt:

NICABM (The National Institute for the Clinical Applications of Behavioral Medicine) has a useful way of differentiating between helpful or healthy guilt, unhelpful or unhealthy guilt and shame, which is always unhelpful and unhealthy.

According to the definitions as stated in the nicabm site, healthy guilt is the feeling or psychological discomfort we experience when we have done something that is objectively wrong. If I steal something which belongs to someone else, it is generally understood that I am wrong to take it by force. Healthy guilt is caused by actions that go against objective definitions of right and wrong. And healthy guilt, from a developmental perspective, can be experienced as early as the ages of 3-6. Children can learn that when I take another child's toy, it is the wrong thing to do and that it is upsetting to them. The source of these feelings of healthy guilt lie in our acting in ways which break objective standards of moral behavior.

Unhealthy Guilt:

In contrast, unhealthy guilt is a feeling of discomfort about something we've done against irrationally high standards. These feelings are thought to have developed early in childhood, perhaps in an attempt to meet incredibly high standards set by a parent. It might also be the result of a child who developed rigid standards of perfectionism in order to avoid criticism. Setting irrational standards for oneself is also thought to have originated in childhood in response to the burden of taking care of an adult who did not take care of themselves, as in the case of a parentified child.

These irrationally high standards become set internally from childhood, and then continue into adulthood. They unconsciously become the bar we have to continually meet in everything we do. Take, for example, the adult who feels she has to remember the names of everyone she meets and then experiences intense guilt if she forgets a name.

The expectations that we get it right all of the time are a result of overwhelmingly high standards that need to be consistently met. As adults the discomfort caused by unhealthy guilt affect our psychological, emotional and even physical well being. They adversely affect our nervous system, causing continual stress and dysregulation. Adults who suffer from unhealthy guilt often report a constant sense of worry and anxiety about everything they do.

Shame:

Shame, perhaps the most well publicized of the three categories, is an intensely painful feeling of being fundamentally flawed, as the saying goes: "I did not make a mistake, I am a mistake". It is caused by an innate sense of being worthless, unworthy and deeply flawed.

Shame is more deeply wired in the brain, and is therefore more difficult to reverse. Toddlers can experience shame as young as 15 months. Children who are constantly blamed, criticized, and shamed, can develop a deep sense of their own inherently flawed nature. Victims of abuse and/or neglect struggle to make sense of the lack of care for them exhibited by their caregivers. The only explanations that make sense and enable children to stay connected to their caregivers is that they are the problem and do not deserve the attention and care they so naturally and desperately need.

Shame can also come from a strongly authoritarian or restrictive upbringing, where the constant message of "no" and excessive limits put on a child's behavior are overwhelming for the child's sensitive developing sense of self. These constant negative messages can become internalized as "something is wrong with me" since I am constantly being told to stop what my innate childish curiosity naturally tells me to do. As parenting experts tell us, the way we are told "no" is internalized in our consciousness and is the message we continue to tell ourselves about ourselves.

Outcomes:

The potential outcomes of each of the experiences of healthy guilt, unhealthy guilt and shame are profound. Healthy guilt can allow us to correct a wrong and seek forgiveness. It can lead to deeper understanding of others, of ourselves, of relationships and lead to healing. Ruptures are a part of all relationships, and, as Amanda Curtin shares, a necessary part of building intimacy with others. Repair is therefore of paramount importance in our important relationships and can even deepen and strengthen our connections with those who are important to us.

Unhealthy guilt causes a very different reaction. Instead of being able to focus on the behavior which caused the damage or hurt, we become involved with self-punishment and remain trapped in our feelings of guilt, without the relief that comes with repair. We remain isolated and disconnected from others.

The outcomes of shame are many and they impact on the ways in which we interact with others. Shame causes us to fear rejection, tempting us to disconnect from others, assuming that if they come to know who we really are, they will not want to maintain a relationship with us. In addition, we avoid situations which cause us to experience shame.

Healing from Unhealthy Guilt and Shame:

The healing process from unhealthy guilt and shame include understanding and revisiting their roots from childhood. In RRP therapy, the healing of our inner child's initial experiences of guilt and shame, in a supportive and reparative environment, bring relief to the intense negative feelings about ourselves and help us to function in a healthy way.