"Breaking the Cycle: How Childhood Trauma Shapes Adult Relationships and What You Can Do About It"

Here's a letter I came across in an advice column. Maybe you'll find it relatable...

Hey June,

I've been married to Jason for three years now, and even though I love him a lot, I feel like something's stopping us from really connecting. I'm always worried he's going to leave me, even though he keeps telling me he loves me. I find myself leaning on him too much, always needing to hear that he's not going anywhere. If he's even a few minutes late from work, I get anxious and start imagining all sorts of things. I know this isn't healthy, and I feel like I'm smothering him, but I just can't stop. I've tried talking to him about my fears, but it seems to make things worse. Is my fear of being abandoned messing with our relationship? How can I stop these feelings from taking over?

- Feeling Nervous and Scared

Dear Feeling Nervous and Scared,

Thanks for your letter. Sounds like you're dealing with past emotional issues affecting your relationship with Jason, likely a fear of abandonment stemming from early childhood experiences. This fear can surface in adult relationships, even without a current cause. It's normal to feel overwhelmed, and many face similar trust and abandonment issues due to childhood attachments. These fears can cause behaviors like seeking reassurance or pushing partners away.

The good news is these feelings can be addressed with patience, self-awareness, and support. Therapy, individually or as a couple, can help you understand and manage these feelings. A therapist specializing in trauma or attachment can provide coping strategies. Meanwhile, practice mindfulness and grounding techniques to manage anxiety.

Remember, your fears don't define your relationship. Open communication with Jason is crucial, but also work on the root causes of your anxiety. With time and support, you can learn to trust more fully in yourself and your relationship.

- June

Childhood trauma significantly impacts our partnerships and romantic relationships. It is important to remember that these effects were not our choice. It is within our choice to heal from childhood trauma and form healthier relationships. Healing begins with recognizing the impact of trauma.

1. Trust Issues

Impact: Individuals who have experienced trauma during childhood, such as neglect, abuse, or abandonment, may face difficulties in trusting their partners. These early experiences can lead to an unconscious belief that others, even those they love, are unreliable or unsafe.

Effect: Difficulty in building trust can lead to constant doubts, insecurity, and challenges in being vulnerable with a partner. This can cause strain in the relationship and may result in conflicts or emotional distance.

Example: Sarah grew up in a home where her father frequently left the family without warning, and her mother often couldn't be relied on for emotional support. As an adult, Sarah finds it hard to trust her partner, Tom. Even when Tom is loving and dependable, Sarah constantly worries that he will abandon her, just like her parents did. She becomes anxious when he is late or doesn't respond to texts immediately, often assuming the worst.

Relationship Effect: Sarah's constant distrust causes tension in her marriage. Tom feels like he’s walking on eggshells, trying to reassure her, but his efforts don’t seem to ease her anxiety. Over time, the lack of trust erodes their intimacy and creates emotional distance between them.

Journal Prompt:

Think about a time when you felt betrayed or abandoned in your past (whether in childhood or in a previous relationship). How did that experience affect the way you trust others today? In your current relationship, are there moments when you feel distrustful or fearful of being hurt? How do these fears show up?

2. Fear of Abandonment or Rejection

Impact: Childhood trauma, particularly if it involved emotional or physical abandonment, can create a fear of being left or rejected by a partner. This might come from experiences like losing a parent, being emotionally neglected, or feeling unimportant.

Effect: The individual might become clingy, overly dependent, or hyper-vigilant to any signs of emotional withdrawal, which could make their partner feel overwhelmed or controlled. Alternatively, some might distance themselves entirely to protect against the possibility of being hurt.

Example: James had a mother who emotionally neglected him, and he learned to avoid getting close to people to protect himself from further hurt. When he started dating George, he was afraid that, like his mother, he would reject or abandon him once she got to know him better. James would often pull away or shut down emotionally, expecting George to leave him, even though he repeatedly reassured James he loved him.

Relationship Effect: George began to feel confused and rejected by James' emotional distance. He would try to reach out, but his walls kept getting higher. Over time, George started to feel like his love wasn’t enough, which created a growing sense of frustration and disconnection.

Journal Prompt:

When was the first time you remember feeling abandoned or rejected? How did that shape your belief about relationships? How do you react when your partner is unavailable or when there’s a conflict? Do you ever find yourself imagining worst-case scenarios?

3. Attachment Style

Impact: Early childhood experiences shape our attachment styles, which are the ways we connect with others in relationships. People with insecure attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant, struggle with intimacy. Childhood trauma is often the at the root of insecure attachment and leads to emotional distance, difficulty in expressing feelings, or an overwhelming need for closeness.

Effect: In a relationship, an individual may either become overly dependent (anxious attachment) or shut off emotionally and keep a partner at arm's length (avoidant attachment). These attachment issues can create ongoing misunderstandings, resentment, and frustration.

Example: Lisa grew up with inconsistent care; sometimes her parents were warm and nurturing, but at other times, they were distant and unresponsive. As a result, Lisa developed an anxious attachment style. When she started dating Mike, she became overly dependent on him for emotional validation. She would panic if Mike didn’t text her back within an hour or if he went out with friends instead of spending time with her.

Relationship Effect: Mike felt suffocated by Lisa’s constant need for reassurance and attention. He became frustrated with her clinginess, and the couple would often argue. Mike tried to give her space, but Lisa felt abandoned and started to spiral into anxiety, creating a cycle of emotional ups and downs.

Journal Prompt:

Reflect on your relationship with your primary caregivers as a child. Were they consistently available and supportive, or did they often seem distant or neglectful? How do these early experiences influence how you connect with your partner today?

4. Emotional Regulation Challenges

Impact: Childhood trauma often impairs one's ability to manage intense emotions. This might be due to being exposed to volatile or unpredictable emotional environments growing up.

Effect: In romantic relationships, someone who struggles with emotional regulation might react impulsively, become easily triggered, or have difficulty communicating feelings in a healthy way. This can lead to emotional outbursts, conflict escalation, or withdrawal, creating a cycle of instability.

Example: Evan experienced frequent emotional outbursts as a child after being bullied at school and neglected by his father. As an adult, he struggles to regulate his emotions in stressful situations. Not infrequently, when his partner Claire was late getting home, Evan's anxiety would trigger an angry outburst, and he would accuse her of disrespecting him and not caring. While he regretted his outbursts, he found it hard to calm down and communicate his feelings effectively.

Relationship Effect: Claire was taken aback by Evan’s sudden outbursts, leading her to pull away emotionally. She began walking on eggshells, unsure of how to approach tough conversations with Evan. Their communication became strained, and trust began to diminish.

Journal Prompt:

Think back to a time when you had an emotional outburst or lost control of your feelings in a relationship. What triggered this reaction, and how did it affect your partner and your relationship? How do you typically handle strong emotions, and how would you like to improve your emotional responses?

5. Difficulty with Intimacy and Vulnerability

Impact: Survivors of childhood trauma may have trouble being emotionally or physically vulnerable with a partner due to fear of being hurt, rejected, or abandoned again. They may have learned to guard their emotions or distance themselves to avoid potential pain.

Effect: A lack of intimacy can create emotional disconnection in a relationship. The partner who struggles with vulnerability may appear distant, cold, or unavailable, which can leave the other person feeling unloved or unimportant.

Example: Janet’s childhood was filled with emotional neglect and verbal abuse. As a result, she learned to suppress her emotions and keep others at a distance. When she met Sophie, she was initially drawn to her, but once they became romantically involved, Janet struggled to open up about her past and her feelings. Sophie would ask about her day or her emotions, but Janet would shut down, brushing off her questions with vague answers.

Relationship Effect: Sophie felt frustrated and hurt by Janet’s inability to share deeper emotions. She started to feel like she was with someone who couldn’t connect with her on a deeper level, which led to her feeling rejected and unimportant.

Journal Prompt:

When was the last time you felt emotionally vulnerable with your partner? What thoughts or fears arose when you opened up? Which memories or feelings come up from childhood around sharing of emotions?

6. Patterns of Dysfunctional Relationships

Impact: People who grew up in dysfunctional or abusive environments may unknowingly seek out partners who mirror their early experiences, even if the relationship is unhealthy. Alternatively, they may stay in toxic relationships because they believe that they do not deserve better or are accustomed to unhealthy dynamics.

Effect: This can lead to repeating the same patterns of abuse, neglect, or dysfunction in a romantic relationship. There may be cycles of conflict, emotional neglect, or manipulation that mirror the individual's early life experiences.

Example: Rachel grew up watching her mother stay in a toxic relationship where her father was emotionally abusive. As an adult, Rachel found herself attracted to partners who were emotionally unavailable or manipulative. When she started dating Mark, he seemed charismatic but soon started showing signs of controlling behavior. Rachel didn’t recognize the red flags because her childhood experiences had normalized unhealthy relationships.

Relationship Effect: Rachel stayed in the relationship, hoping things would get better, even though Mark’s behavior became more controlling. She justified his actions, telling herself that this was just what relationships were like.

Rachel found it difficult to accept that Mark would not change and she struggled to recognize her own unhappiness.

Journal Prompt:

Think about your past relationships—whether with family, friends, or romantic partners. Are there any recurring patterns of dysfunction or unhealthy dynamics? How do these patterns compare to the relationship dynamics you witnessed growing up?

7. Low Self-Esteem or Self-Worth

Impact: Childhood trauma, especially in cases of emotional or physical abuse, can severely affect a person’s sense of self-worth. They may internalize negative messages about themselves and develop feelings of inadequacy, shame, or guilt.

Effect: In a marriage or romantic relationship, low self-esteem can result in feelings of unworthiness or constant seeking of validation from a partner. This can create dependency, jealousy, or insecurity, which puts pressure on the relationship.

Example: Pauline grew up in a household where she was often criticized and belittled by her father. She developed deep feelings of inadequacy and believed that she wasn’t worthy of love. When she started dating Alex, she constantly second-guessed whether he truly loved her or if he was just pretending. She often sought validation through excessive compliments and constant reassurance from him.

Relationship Effect: Alex found himself feeling frustrated and drained by Pauline’s need for constant reassurance. Even when he expressed his love and commitment, it never seemed enough for her. This led to tension and arguments in the relationship, with Pauline feeling insecure and Alex feeling misunderstood.

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Journal Prompt:

How would you describe your relationship with yourself? Do you feel worthy of love and respect? What messages did you receive growing up about your value as a person? How do those early messages show up in your current relationship?

Mental Health Issues

Impact: Childhood trauma can lead to long-term mental health challenges, including anxiety, depression, and complex PTSD, among others.

Effect: Mental health struggles can create tension, misunderstandings, and challenges in dealing with day-to-day relationship issues. A partner may feel confused, frustrated, or helpless when trying to support someone who is struggling with unresolved trauma.

Example: Jennifer experienced severe emotional trauma during her childhood, which left her with complex PTSD. She struggled with flashbacks, anxiety attacks, and emotional numbness. When she started dating Brian, he tried to support her but didn’t fully understand what she was going through. Jennifer would sometimes have intense emotional reactions to small stressors, which Brian couldn’t comprehend.

Relationship Effect: Brian felt helpless and often frustrated by Jennifer’s emotional highs and lows. He didn’t know how to help her, which led to arguments and feelings of isolation for both of them. Jennifer, feeling misunderstood, withdrew, and the couple grew apart.

Journal Prompt: Reflect on how childhood experiences, especially moments of pain or unmet needs, have shaped your mental and emotional well-being. How do these early experiences influence your thoughts, feelings, and relationships today? What patterns do you notice, and how might healing those wounds create space for growth and resilience?

9. Impact on Parenting

Impact: Childhood trauma can influence how someone approaches parenting, especially if the trauma involved neglect or abuse by caregivers. This might affect their own sense of how to parent, set boundaries, or nurture children in a healthy way.

Effect: Unresolved trauma can lead to parenting conflicts or misalignments between partners. One partner may feel the other is too harsh or too lenient, and they may struggle with issues of attachment and emotional availability for their children.

Example: Aaron’s father was physically abusive when he was a child, and Aaron grew up

fearing authority figures and lacking a strong sense of safety at home. As a parent, Aaron was overprotective of his own children, often overcompensating to make sure they felt safe. His wife, Michelle, sometimes felt like Aaron’s overprotectiveness was too much, but she didn’t want to challenge him, fearing it would cause tension.

Relationship Effect: Michelle and Aaron had disagreements about their parenting styles. Aaron’s rigid control and anxiety about their children’s safety caused strain in their

relationship. Michelle often upset by Aaron’s lack of flexibility, and they struggled to find a balance in how to effectively respond to their children and set healthy boundaries.

Journal Prompt: How has your own childhood trauma influenced the way you parent or envision parenting? Are there patterns from your upbringing that you’ve unconsciously repeated or intentionally tried to break? What emotions arise when you think about parenting through the lens of your past, and how can healing your wounds help you create a healthier, more nurturing relationship with your child?

Ways to Heal from Childhood Trauma:

Childhood trauma affects adult relationships in many ways.

Survivors of childhood trauma are often unaware of this impact and healing from childhood trauma is a critical step in the journey towards improving current relationships.

It is never a child's fault that they were abused, shamed or neglected.

Nor are the internalized negative self-beliefs a child's fault.

The journey of recovery from childhood trauma allows for greater intimacy and conflict resolution in our current relationships.

The following are steps in the recovery journey. They may require help and support from a trauma informed therapist and/or group to apply in a beneficial manner.

1. Acknowledge and Validate Your Experiences

• Recognize that your childhood experiences shaped your emotional patterns and relationships.

• Give yourself permission to feel your emotions without judgment.

2. Seek Professional Support

• Work with a trauma-informed therapist who understands childhood trauma and its relational impact.

  RRP groups are designed to help chilldhood trauma survivors in their healing journey.

  Find an RRP therapist for group and/or individual trauma work.

• Explore therapies like EMDR, somatic therapy, or inner child work.

3. Build Self-Awareness

• Journal about your triggers, relationship patterns, and emotional responses.

• Reflect on how your childhood wounds show up in your adult relationships.

4. Practice Inner Child Healing

• Visualize and connect with your younger self, offering them love and reassurance.

• Engage in activities that bring joy and a sense of safety to your inner child.

5. Develop Healthy Boundaries

• Learn to set boundaries that honor your needs without guilt.

• Identify relationships that drain you and work on establishing healthier dynamics.

6. Rewire Negative Core Beliefs

• Identify limiting beliefs (e.g., "I’m not worthy of love") and challenge them.

• Practice self-compassion and affirmations that support new, healthier beliefs.

7. Foster Safe and Supportive Relationships

• Seek connections with people who validate and respect your emotions.

• Communicate your needs openly and practice receiving love and support.

8. Regulate Your Nervous System

• Engage in mindfulness, breathwork, or grounding techniques to manage emotional overwhelm.

• Explore movement practices like yoga, dance, or nature walks.

9. Work Through Forgiveness and Acceptance

• Understand that healing doesn’t always require forgiving abusers but freeing yourself from resentment.

• Accept your past without letting it define your future.

10. Create a New Narrative for Your Life

• Envision the kind of relationships and life you want to build.

• Celebrate your progress and be patient with yourself—healing is not linear.